DIY Idea
Two Hours Off — Sitting With a Friend's Parent Who Has Dementia
If a friend's parent has dementia or Alzheimer's, the most useful thing you can give is two hours: you sit with their parent so your friend can leave the house. From a friend, a neighbor or a coworker near enough to show up. Ten minutes to offer. Before the first visit, a fifteen-minute call and about half an hour to put the music together. Each visit is two hours, plus twenty minutes early for the handover, every other week, three times to start.
Materials
- The offer: two named dates and one two-hour window, by text or on a plain card
- The page: a sheet of paper and a pen for the walkthrough call
- The music: 15 songs from the years their parent was about twenty, on your phone with a small speaker (ask your friend what their parent danced to)
- Something for the hands: one simple task their parent still enjoys — a basket of towels to fold, a photo album, a deck of cards (ask which)
- A familiar show: one their parent still watches — ask your friend where to find it on the TV
The sit is with their parent. The gift is for your friend.
Instructions
- 01
Pick two dates you can keep. Check your own calendar first. Choose two dates in the next two weeks and one two-hour window — Saturday, 10 to noon, say — that you could repeat every other week without strain. If you can't picture keeping it three times running, pick a different slot.
- 02
Make the offer in writing. Text it, or write it on a card if you'll see your friend this week: two dates, one window, pick one. Named dates make yes easy; let me know if you need anything hands your friend the planning. If they say they're fine, tell them both dates stay open until Friday, and leave it there.
- 03
Get the walkthrough before the first sit. Fifteen minutes on the phone with your friend: the usual routine, what calms their parent and what upsets them, whether they try to leave (which doors, where the keys are), what they can eat and drink, and what to say if they ask for someone who isn't there. Medication stays with the family: ask your friend when doses are due and fit your two hours around them, never the other way round. If their parent needs help you can't give, like the bathroom or getting up, offer the stay-home version in the tips instead. Put it all on one page with two phone numbers and the home address, in case you need to call emergency services.
- 04
Arrive twenty minutes early. Let your friend introduce you while they're still home — This is Sam, my friend. Sam's going to keep you company for a bit. Follow your friend's lead on the goodbye; they know what works. Keep the page from the call in your pocket.
- 05
Do one thing at a time. Start with the music from their parent's twenties and watch what it does. Then something for the hands — towels to fold, the photo album — or a slow walk if your friend has said walks are fine. When energy drops, put on a show their parent knows and watch it together; that counts. Anything your notes don't cover, text your friend and ask rather than guess.
- 06
Book the next one before you leave. When your friend gets back, tell them anything they need to know, then one good moment — Your dad sang every word of the second song. If it worked for everyone, put the next date on both calendars: same day, same window, two weeks out.
What to write inside
[Friend's name] —
I'd like to sit with your [mom / dad] for two hours so you can get out of the house. I can do Saturday the [date] or Saturday the [date], 10 to noon — pick one, then go anywhere or nowhere; you don't have to tell me which. We'll do a quick call first so you can walk me through things. If it works for you both, let's make it three Saturdays, every other week, and check in after the third.
— [your name]
Sign however you would — Your friend, See you Saturday, or just your name.
Pro Tips
- Introduce yourself every time. Hi, Mrs. Allen — I'm Sam, Dana's friend. Never Do you remember me? It's a quiz they can fail.
- Don't correct; steer. If their parent thinks it's 1979, or says they're late for work, don't argue the facts. Ask about the job, then move to the next song. You're there to keep them company, not to keep them accurate.
- Promise three, not forever. After the third sit, ask your friend whether the day and window still work — and be honest about whether they still work for you. Moving the slot is fine; letting it quietly lapse is not.
- Offer the stay-home version. Some families aren't ready to leave a parent with someone new, and some parents need hands-on help — the bathroom, getting up — that should stay with family. Offer the same two hours with your friend at home: a nap down the hall, a long shower, a phone call with the door shut.